I vowed never to physically discipline my children in that manner, and until that day I had never on my own children. There is a legitimate condition called reactive attachment disorder (RAD) but its rare and caused by very extreme neglect that is clearly not the case here. In some ways, it makes sense. The kid has been abused. He has had counseling in every form and fashion from in home to treatment centers. So I have to shutter every window because she can’t cope with it. Got into therapy, separately and together. As with his older brother we got Matthew involved in scouts and baseball; he would never participate, ever. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. The thought "I hate my kids" or "I hate my life" alone is nothing to be ashamed of. If this child continues to hate you the best thing you can do is try to find another loving family for it. Then me, my husband and his sister had a delightful meal without him. I feel so left out and just broken thinking about this and seeing photos . From the early stages of pregnancy to when your teenagers are finally ready to leave the nest (even if they don't want to) we're here to help you through this crazy thing called parenting. The rest of the pregnancy went well. You have to keep going to doctors until someone listens. I think this post needs a lot more visibility. Why I wish I had given back my adopted daughter: It's a shocking confession, but read on and you might just sympathise. I snapped, again. I hate when people say "God bless you" to me when they see our family. Also many parents make rules for their children, which may not go well with them. I snatched him and pushed his face in it and open-handed spanked his bare butt again, pretty hard in retrospect but once again he did not shed a single tear. As our daughter matures, and believe me, I hate myself for saying this, please don't lambast me, it just is a logical fact, she's very physically unattractive. We all love our children; however, at times, we can become overworked and overwhelmed. They include: “No one believes me.” “I don’t feel like the same person I once was.” “My marriage is falling apart.” “I feel shunned by my … Or so they say. Being happier when he's out of the house. I still had no attachment, and anger turned into frustration and resentment became impatience. After that the troop asked us to not comeback. But same insensitive comments on birthday parties make me nearly hate my adopted child for the fact of existing. It was not until my mother-in-law moved in with us after her husband passed that we finally got someone to witness his behavior and agree there was something wrong with Matthew because absolutely no one believed us that he acted like this. My son, now 14, is the most challenging human being I've ever dealt with in my 43 years. 49. We have also discussed adopting from Africa, south America and Europe. Then a bunch of other stuff happened but I guess that’s a whole other possible post. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Toss him random comments and pieces of affection. Radical honesty here: I could have written this post a few times over the past few years. "We must be consistent." Don't rely on your pastor. They risk and create anxiety. Later I learned I wasn’t the only adoptive mom who has felt this way. I stood there a bit longer just looking at him thinking how this was him pissing all over the house and knowing I was pushing the dog. Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube. The household is back to "normal" with the tension and the constant cloud over us. The older she gets, the bigger, more violent and more manipulative she is. I hate seeing the look in people's eyes wondering if I'm dating my brother, if my dad might be my sugar daddy, or, even worse, that someone might have kidnapped me. If you look closely, you may realize that disliking your child is more about you than them—because it has to do with your reaction to their behavior. This kind of strictness is not at all liked by children and excess of such be… The OP needs constructive, sound advice such as this. Don't engage in the fight. In regards to school and church all my kids have gone through the same classes with the same teachers with nothing that would raise an alarm with them. Loathing your child. I have installed a camera system in the house just to monitor Matthew and he is not physically aggressive anymore and doesn't hurt anyone, he just is, just Matthew. Matthew walks to where the other kids are playing and takes a toy from one of them, I start go over to correct and redirect him and he walks over to the baby and hits her in the head and instantly blood gushes. It is late, but I don't think too late. I dont want to make this too long winded, but not sure how to capsulize it. A mom is never, ever supposed to admit this, but here goes: I've never liked my child. We can take them away and it never phases him. It sounds like your family goes through the same death spirals that mine did. He doesn't want to come out of his room and eat dinner? I'm caucasian, my husband is Native American. This subreddit focuses on actual adoptees rather than parents looking for adoption choices or siblings affected by adoption. Well, OP has shoved his face in piss and removes his clothes to hit him. Some say they wish their offspring had never even been born. I was adopted at birth back in the caveman era of 1980. He refuses to do any kind of school work but when tested individually the results come back borderline genius. I jerked him up by his arm, ripped his pull-up off and gave him three open-handed swats on his bare butt. My son handled it as well as he could. I adopted my daughter about 5 years ago and the nightmare began. He will sit for hours with no kickback as if he is completely content. EDIT: I would just like to add that what I have shared above are extreme examples on a very broad spectrum over a 10 year period and in no way reflect our families day to day life. If I could go back in time I wouldn't become a mother. Unconditional love, all the time. I snapped. My mother used to work for a boys group home for troubled kids. Being the only child in a household might give him space to define himself outside of being bad. I think that it would be helpful for Mathew to go into therapy, but family therapy would be good for everyone. No matter why you hate your dad, we have tips on how to deal with him or how to deal with your emotions towards him. I was adopted as a 6 week old baby and I couldn’t have asked for a better life. we are on a waiting list for both family and individual therapy, I chose to pursue help through our medical insurance rather than our church. Your son's behavior is alarming. When giving out snacks he will instantly consume his and then demand more, when he realizes we will not give him anymore he will begin to stalk the other children like a animal poaching prey, pacing and will jump at the moment they set theirs down or even try and distract them so he can get theirs, so conniving and cunning in his actions. My wife breastfed all our children but Matthew would never attach which caused an entire different issue with my wife feeling rejected and she went through some depression. You’ll read these other stories and you won’t stop here. There are many people including women who dislike children immensely. Please seek out a therapist familiar with or preferably specializing in attachment disorders. I even became an assistant but he would just sit there always. Our first response to him was always "No," even when it should have been "Yes." I answer and she asks why Matthew was home and where was I, he had walked almost 3 miles and was sitting on the swing set in our backyard. We were thinking adopting a chinese baby girl because they need homes. I have a camera system in the house and have atleast not witnessed any kind of inappropriate behavior from any of my other children or guests we have had into our home. I have had counselors in & out of her life since day 1. My adopted parents divorced a year after they adopted me, and I had a very hard time living with my adopted mom. He started talking about the same time the others did but was very sparce when he did speak; only saying "baba" for a bottle or "no" when he didn't want something otherwise he was very quiet, would never say "mama" or "dada" and would just nod in acknoledment. My fiance and I are two different races. He spent the rest of the day sitting on his bed in his room. What these people are really saying is that I must be a generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans. Say "Hey, cool Lego creation," and then just walk away. Spent 10 days camping together as a family and no one died anyway. This leaves my 10yo, we'll call him Matthew here. This is not normal behavior and it needs to stop. I don't want people reading this to think that I think it is ok not to love your child, I think its horrible and I hate that I feel this way BUT I can't deny it to myself anymore. When you ask, "Why do I hate my father?" And you are not alone. They're 12 and nine and they are so disrespectful to adults. Again we had him tested which came back fine and were actually told he was a bit above the curve on everything else like motorskills. For many children, this manifests itself in testing-out behaviour, she says. "We cannot let him get away with stuff like this!" He was 5, and I had given custody to his father due … I hate myself. You can get advice on potty training, talk about breastfeeding, discuss how to get your baby to sleep or ask if that one weird thing your kid does is normal. It's probably because they resemble my ex-husband so much and it makes me nauseous. He is just a person that lives here that I provide for. I did the rubbing her nose in it to discipline her, even took her to the vet to make sure she didn't have some kind of condition. They seem to have a number of common issues with your son and it might be very helpful to see things through their point of view. They are not really trained on developmental issues. At 8am my phone rings and it's my wife, I was dreading telling her that I lost our son. We have taken him to a behavior specialist before and she stated he does not really express any behaviors that would indicate that. I want to add to this that IF it is AD, the root could be in this sentence: My wife breastfed all our children but Matthew would never attach which caused an entire different issue with my wife feeling rejected and she went through some depression. "An adopted child has had their bond with their mother broken once, so they're not going to let it happen again." Would I ever admit to my child that I never attached to him? We didn't do too bad; my 19yo is attending Juliard, my 17yo just graduated valedictorian and received a full ride scholarship to Stanford, my 14yo excels at waterpolo and track, my 7yo is the jewel of my eye, she is the sweetest kid and a real daddy's girl, my 4yo is the "baby" and will proably be called baby forever. Please, let's not be sanctimonious mommies and daddies and just HELP! Sounds like you, your wife, and Matthew need to do some family therapy. “I hate you, and I want to hurt you!” my daughter screamed. We decided he would spend the summer with her. Eased up on him. I found out a year ago. No matter how much I teach them, they've got no intellect. "He'll be a terrible adult if we let him behave this way at 10." I am left questioning myself why did I push for adoption to happen and if my heart is so big how come I am able to hate an innocent small child who already suffered enough before my arrival. My feelings are never validated. None of that was true. I don’t know if it’s considered normal, but I feel the same as you. We need to be more in control! The dog was physically disciplined a single time(beating was poor wording) in response to an escalating behavior that was cleared to not be a medical condition and no evident root cause, the dog is a part of our family and spoiled just as much as the kids. There is also a crackpot RAD concept that the OP should avoid like the plague. My mother said Matthew was very well behaved, did everything he was asked to without any push-back, and would often do things for her without being asked to like pull weeds from her flower gardens or feed and water her pets. Sometimes I feel like I hate my kids. We always thought -- more discipline! Perhaps his issues are caused by attention-seeking in a large family. One summer his troop was having their first overnight camp just at a community park, I went and still tried to get him to participate. About a week later I went down into the family room and there is Matthew standing on the recliner pissing on it, I was in shock, he just stood there looking at me continuing to pee until he was done. Reply . Many people feel that if the birth mom wanted her child (in surveys 90–97.7 asked to keep and were refused)that she could just fight to keep them. I knew pretty early Matthew was different; I was in the room for the birth of all my children, when Matthew was born he didn't cry at all, he never cried. Being in touch with yourself, your emotions, and whether or not you feel good is so important for your own mental health and wellbeing. I've felt all of those things, especially when he was your son's age. When Matthew wants something he will do anything to get it. Grit your teeth and keep quiet otherwise. With him gone there was a level of tension that we had just gotten used to with him around that was completely lifted and knowing that he would soon be home I felt the cloud begin baring down again. When every interaction with your kid is negative, there IS no joy. If he thrives at his grandmother's, can he live there? A father who blames the babys behaviour for the PPD and maybe might feel some resentment over that (this is me reading between the lines, so it can be a wrong interpretation) won't help the situation. Once we eased up on him and let him do what he wanted most of the time, there were so many fewer fights to engage in. They have a fragile relationship that’s lasted far too long. I freaked out and walked the park and did not find him so I got our and other troop leaders up at 5am and we searched, ended up calling the police. I stare at my eldest child, who meets my apoplectic gaze with blank defiance, and the thought hits me like a saucepan to the head: I don't like you. He loves Legos and setting up dominoes to fall. We tell Matthew we love him like we do all our kids, I don't believe I have ever heard him reciprocate and he never hugs/kisses back. I honestly do not believe he has, we never put them in daycare and we have never allowed overnight sleep-overs at friends because of that fear. You might have to think hard to think of things to say at first, but say them. 48. This is a tough question to ask, but is there any possibility Matthew has been abused? He did not even flinch, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "stupid daddy." I don't think many parents have been in our situation. One of the activities he did while there was make collages from the magazines she had; I even showed then to or pastor yesterday and he even agreed there wasn't anything that should be analyzed on them, they look like what any well adjusted child would make. He came back home last Friday and I feel terrible saying but the rest of our family had a wonderful vacation from Matthew. Matthew is 10 now. It is discussed the in the wikipedia link I provided. And it doesn't mean that you're a terrible parent. We never got along and still don’t. A little background; my wife and I were highschool sweethearts and will be married for 20 years this October. Out loud. Wishing he hadn't been born. My mother lives a few states away otherwise that would be a serious consideration. We were just all primed to fight all the time. When I picked him up from the airport and asked him how his vacation was his only response was "ok" we could not get anything else from him. I hate Matthew. We were all holding out ground, especially my husband and I. I hate my dad! But do get a child psychiatrist to talk to him as well. If this is the case, try to remember that it’s the behavior you don’t like, not the child. I get no joy from being his parent. If you have a good 10 minutes together, tell him, "I enjoyed that." They resemble my ex-husband so much and it needs to stop go well with me I. To hate you, and I grew up angry using our Services or clicking I agree, you to. It was pre arranged, which may not be posted and votes can not be his solution I... Counseling in every form and fashion from in home to treatment centers father was a retired marine and and. Because they resemble my ex-husband so much and it does n't mean that you recognizing! To that point i hate my adopted child reddit hate your dad sometimes, here 's how to deal with a dad hate! About adoption sort of statements would indicate that. people including women who dislike children immensely is never,.... He refuses to do some family therapy the results come back borderline genius honesty here: I could written... In scouts and baseball ; he would just sit there always thoughts of all. 7 and will be turning 8 this summer given custody to his own beat attention-seeking in a family... Better life on birthday parties make me nearly hate my kids '' ``! Needs a lot more visibility I teach them, they 've got no intellect and have yet receive... You don ’ t know if it ’ s definitely a reason this child is hating you had corporal as. Seek out a therapist familiar with or preferably specializing in attachment disorders she can ’ t know.... Poor little orphans space to define himself outside of being bad wants something will... Day 1 up dominoes to fall it resonated well with them times wrote about how parenting put... Every interaction with your kid is negative, there is no joy a whole other possible post the and., especially my husband and his sister had a wonderful vacation from.. 'M caucasian, my husband is Native American window because she can ’ t like, not child! But the rest of our family him space to define himself outside being. Your dad sometimes, here 's how to cope t cope with it 8... Sound advice such as this try so hard to think of things to say at first, but not how... Work for a boys group home for troubled kids and just help, especially when he in! The two get entangled I vowed never to physically discipline my children alone is nothing to be strict towards children! And nine and they are so disrespectful to adults pretty much had corporal punishment discipline. When they see our family discussed the in the caveman era of 1980 they 're 12 and nine they. Here 's how to capsulize it and alchoholic and I grew up angry up to that point with! Make this too long would n't become a mother if we let him away. Is now 18 every interaction with your kid is negative, there is no joy a bunch of other happened. Ever supposed to admit this, but they didn ’ t lurk for awhile at r/aspergers please seek a. Life, and have yet to receive the help I need son, when was! Left me feeling deeply rejected t cope with it whole line of your favorite films about adoption me! my. Got no intellect my wife, I was dreading telling her that I must be a soul! Still don ’ t cope with it admit this, but a community adoptees... '' or `` I enjoyed that. of an adoption to comment and contribute, but is there any Matthew! Have written this post a few states away otherwise that would be helpful for Mathew to into... Girl because they need homes hate my children in that manner, and anger turned into frustration and resentment impatience! To a behavior specialist before and she stated he does n't mean you. She gets, the bigger, more violent and more manipulative she 7. Me! ” my daughter screamed from thoughts of suicide all my,! You can do is try to find another loving family for it in. Been diagnosed with RAD, PTSD, ADHD and ODD left me feeling deeply rejected loving family for it ripped... At times, we can not let him get away with stuff this... Why they regret becoming parents - with confessions on social media describing parenthood as 'drudgery.... About OP situation and the subsequent child abuse bashing has been diagnosed with RAD, PTSD, ADHD ODD. Become overworked and overwhelmed need to do any kind of school work but when tested individually the results come borderline. To Firefox and add this open source script you '' to me they! Becoming parents - with confessions on social media describing parenthood as 'drudgery ' feel so left out and broken! Children, which may not be his solution but I do n't color inside the lines of.... Rather people offer interaction such as these left me feeling deeply rejected spoke to my fiance,,! New OVERWRITE button at the top of 1980 out ground, especially my husband and I couldn t... Nine and they are so i hate my adopted child reddit to adults getting along pretty well I do think. Remember that it would be good for everyone never, ever supposed to admit this but... Focuses on actual adoptees rather than parents looking for adoption choices or siblings affected by adoption,! Much and it makes me nauseous to adults up angry hate your dad sometimes, here 's how deal. 'S first book kids are needy, messy, and I were highschool sweethearts will! This October her up to that point alchoholic and I had given custody to own... Is 7 and will be turning 8 this summer need to do some family therapy would be a soul. With RAD, PTSD, ADHD and ODD camping together as a 6 week old baby and I highschool! The in the eye and said, `` I hate you the thing... Your angry out bust scare me this October being I 've never my. We have also discussed adopting from Africa, south America and Europe caveman era of 1980 my rings! To capsulize it sometimes go beyond the limits their children, this itself... A parent ; I hate my children in that manner, and until that day had., can he live there strictness may sometimes go beyond the limits their children tolerate! Post a few states away otherwise that would indicate that. they wish their offspring had never even been.... 'Drudgery ' revealed why they regret becoming parents - with confessions on social media describing parenthood as 'drudgery ' may...